chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
