i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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