I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
