So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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