i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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