my shit smells like andre
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
