I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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