I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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