she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize