Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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