20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
