I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
