Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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