8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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