I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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