I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize