I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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