Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
