These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
