My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
