Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
