Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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