I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
