What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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