I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
