Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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