My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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