When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
