that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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