You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize