cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
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