I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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