dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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