I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Let's paint friendship bongs
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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