Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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