he looks like a really good dad on facebook
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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