Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
