I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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