Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
