Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
