bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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