had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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