I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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