i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
