I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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