Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
