If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
you had me at cake vodka
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
