Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
