bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
