Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize