im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
