if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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