Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
