It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
