Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
