I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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