so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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