This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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