Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
