Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
