woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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