My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
