you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
