I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
